waiters are accountable for everything
yet in control of nothing
(except of course for the quality of table service we provide)
we dont greet you and pick your table
we dont make your cocktail or bottle your wine
we dont cook your food or grow it for that matter
the lighting the a/c the music and the toilet paper
all fall under the jurisdiction of the management
and its not our fault that your credit card is declined

being a waiter is like playing dodgeball









except the waiter never gets to throw a ball
(most male waiters where a cup)

the manager opens the doors and the game begins
the hostess fires the first ball
(actually 3) as she triple seats me
the chef scrrreeems the next ball
pick up! pick up! hot food!
(i can hear the chef all the way out in my section
- thank goodness none of my customers have ears)












the hostess fires again
my table 212 has a crying baby
bam (back of the head) - that kid is bugging us!
hurls 213 (my round top drinking $220 wine)
the bartender chucks one by chatting up the lady
sitting near the service end of the bar













instead of paying attention to my drinks
whack - square in the back - this is gin i wanted vodka
launches 208 and whats with that kid
the manager joins the fray
with an anything but a subtle bonk on the forehead
have you been to 212 theyre looking around

no shit sherlock
[thats cuz my entire section is staring them down
...their kid is recking everyones dinner]
[[personally i think every restaurant of our caliber should
have a kids menu consisting of only one item
KD $112.95
anyone under 12 must have it or leave]]
[[[well ...a mans gotta dream]]]
[[[[parents of screaming kids is by far my
biggest personal restaurant vexation]]]]

i digress and use too many brackets
anyhoo
i glance over at 212
two balls narrowly miss removing my ears
what about us! the young couple fire my way

the action continues
BOFF BOMP WHACK WHAM WHOMP


kitchen - overcooked new york on 213
[jeez - by the time the recook gets out here everyone else
is gonna be done - theres no way i can autograt that table now]
hostess - oh sorry did i mention the bday at 212
bartender - vodka in the shirley temple for 212
[i should serve it anyways that would at least
shut that kid up i snicker to myself]
207 - im allergic to gluten
208 - i want bluecheese stuffed olives
212 - will you sing HBD to our kid [ahhh...no]
213 - stiffs me on the tip [shouldve autogratted them - damn!!]
and the final "ball" of the evening comes from
206 - my nice quiet little deuce that decides to camp for hours
with port and a cheese platter for two

oh calgon - take me away

heres the bummer about getting stiffed on the tip
[besides the obvious - not enough money]
the waiter tips out anywhere from 3 to 7 percent of their sales
(mine is 5 1/4%)
the hostess the bartender the cooks AND the manager
ALL get a cut of my tip money
if any one of them drop the ball (pun intended)
i still have to tip them out
even though my customer just stiffed me cuz theyre pissed
about something over which i have no control

lets do some math together
ie 212 - their check is $150 before tax
they stiffed me ...quel suprise - a measly 10%-pretax
$15.00 - $7.88 = $7.12
this couple of 905ers (aka bridge and tunnel) shouldve
been dining at chuckie cheese rather than wasting my table
from them i net less than i tip out
($7.12 doesnt even buy my first pint)











should your dining experience be so radically compromised
by anyone other than your waiter
i recommend the following:
speak to the manager straight away
however if youre not
comfortable with confrontation go home and write
a strongly worded letter (ww t) to the establishment
should you receive an apology and/or free shit
give the restaurant another chance - cuz shit happens man
either way tip your waiter
according to the quality of the table service
ive read you can tell a lot about a person by how they
treat the waiter

when im on my game
my service rarely dips below exceptional













on the occasion that i do "drop a plate"
i dont begrudge a lesser tip
in fact i will even "overlook" a shitty tip
if my customer has been pleasantly low maintenance
or has a nice personality










i like my job
once in a while i get to make a difference
and thats cool

bern shares
bv)