new category:
jobs bern would love


















janet jacksons wardrobe assistant
albiet a background position
its hands on and fauxfilling

bern shares
bv)

i believe that children are our future
i believe i can fly
i believe in peanut butter
do you believe in magic - i do

as it pertains to movie sequels
i believe II is rarely better than I
exceptions being:

the godfather



alien(s) duh



and ...with honourable and hopeful mentions to
brokeback mountain

[[to be fair id just like to point out that just
because a woman is beautiful and vivacious
and happens to be kissing another
beautiful and vivacious woman
that this should not speak to their
credibility as serious actors
in fact these two emotresses are probably
the epitome of artesian bohemianism]]



CAN I GET AN AMEN

bern shares
bv)

a man walks into a psychiatrists office
naked and completely wrapped in saran
before he utters a single word
the psychiatrist states
i can clearly see your nuts

jumpsoncouch clearly personifies the adage:















absolute power corrupts absolutely

hubris blots out humility
extravagance muffles virtue
and common sense peters out
its a real shame

here are two lost souls
currently caught in the whirlwind of celebrity
























jumpsoncouch sadly seems content with his situation
but i betcha the king of pop and poor britney
if given a second chance
would tap three times their ruby slippers
and return to kansas














i wonder if i possess the
fortitude and spiritual strength
to shoulder absolute power ...hmm

bern shares
bv)

today is ash wednesday
(well at least for 7 more minutes)

the first day of the lenten fast
and every year on ash wednesday
i like to text my ash
"happy ash wednesday ash"
because we are catholic
and do enjoy a hearty guffaw
(well fairly catholic - or at least catholic enough
to know that smart asses like myself get fried by
Gods lightening-wrath for joking about religion)
(and jsyk - talking during mass as well)














[ash!! - dont stand beside me!! - im gonna make
a break for it and draw his fire!! ...i mean wrath!!]

i digress
my ash and i are connected
even before "my bird" flew free


















i knew in my heart she would come back
ok - well - she hasnt actually come back yet :)
BUT she texts me and keeps me in the loop
(ttt ash) - its cool - its cool
shes 22 and living la vida loca (as i did at 22)













hopefully more vida than loca
just kidding -i totally trust you - xoxo
i believe people are bent to try stuff (within reason)
and learn for themselves
as my parents are one generation removed from
whats actually going on with me
i am as well one generation removed from you










(but nobody knows that because only my hair dresser knows for sure)
so... as much my parents think they know me
and i think that i know you
nobody knows your shit better than you - my little petunia
YOU make yer own call

FURTHER TO THAT
in my heart i know you have your shit together

whoa i totally digressed again
as i was saying i texted ash

dad: happy ash wednesday ash
ash: weird - i was just gonna text you bout somethin
dad: tied ten times... :)

[[ill get back to you cats about the
tied ten times thing - cuz its cool]]
blah
blah
blah

dad: is everything ok - talk to me goose


















[[now thats an action movie reference
top gun - most peeps wouldnt catch it
let alone a chick
THAT HAPPENS TO BE MY COOL ASS DAUGHTER]]

ash: cant maverick - im at work - later K
dad: K

all the while in the background 98.1 is on my radio dial
5 minutes later
im listening to that berlin song from top gun
thats the part where jumpsoncouch and the chick makeout
ash liked that movie when she was a kid
and i always felt kinda at odds
cuz that scene is rather racy
speaking of racy - she loved dirty dancing too
and we all know
nobody puts baby in the corner













focus bern - focus!

dad: i just heard that top gun song on the radio
ash: u shud write in ur blog about the time we tied
10x for rock paper scissors

allll riiighty then (anyone? anyone? ok ... ash - tell em)

















a while back
not sure when (perhaps ash does)
ash and i were in the habit of settling small differences
of opinion with rock-paper-scissors
im fairly certain it was in the house with the blueroom
i would also venture to say the dispute was over who
picked the next tv show
to settle this dispute we had at it
winner picks
loser shuts up
rock paper scissors jack


















history has it that we:
we tied the 1st time (giggle 1 in 3)
we tied the 2nd time (giggle 1 in 9)
we tied the 4th time (whoa 1 in 81)
we tied the 7th time (wow 1 in 2178)
we tied the 8th time (muttered s-word 1 in 6561)
finally
we tied the 10th time (holy shit 1 in 59049)

heres the thing
and this is really fucking cool
59049
(whoa - i just got the shivers)
59 - thats the year bern was born
04/9 - ash was born the 4th of sept
huh eh

like i said were connected




















bern shares
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ps for the first time i lit candles in this bach pad
pps i have a similar connection with my ls mich
ppps and God - i was just kidding (ya big lug)

long hard sails do render a man groggy

groggy
1. staggering - as from exhaustion or blows (keep it pg!)
2. dazed and weakened - as from lack of sleep
3. archaic - drunk, intoxicated

grog
1770 supposedly an allusion to "old grog"
nickname of british admiral edward vernon (1684 - 1757)

"long hard sails" require regular hydration
as one should not drink sea water
one must cask 'n carry potable water
unfortunatelty casked (now thats a difficult word to pronounce)
water algaefied (and you bet thats a made-up word)
on 'long hard sails'

long story short
[[[thats bern saying theres a whole lotta historical crap that
i just read and cant be bothered to figger out how to
condense and make entertaining - further to that
like any writer worth his salt - in order to be in the moment
im on the grog as we speak]]]

back to the facts - jack ...(may i call you jack)

the british after a "visit" to jamaica-mun decided to put rum
in the their casks of stagnant water
supposedly it slowed the process of putridification
and thats a good call cuz us in the restaurant biz
know that the palate is less sensitive after a barrage of alcohol
and so... skunky water mixed with rum became the new rave
the tars and salts and guys with eye-patches were diggin it
thats no surprise cats

todays version of that is the dirty martini
10 parts over-priced well-marketed blah-blah-vodka
1 part olive brine left at room temp for way too fucking long

im sure i MUST be digressing ...anyhoo

what makes captain vernon exceptional is this:
he cut his grog with the juice of limes
(a twist in the story if you will)
his sailors were the healthier than the rest of the navy
due to the daily doses of vitamin c
that prevented disease - mainly scurvy
[and jsyk - thats why brits are nicely referenced as limeys]

moral of the story
{...and the segue is extremely circuitous as my brain
is groggified}
as much as
pina colada goes with pineapple
rum and coke with lime
wheat beer with lemon
and blueberry tea with orange

i want my life to be congruous
...with the peeps i hold dear

this is the part of our show where we go maudlin
my kid rocks
my mom is cooler than she thinks
my friends know me better than i think they do
my sibs keep watch and trust me like the tide

bern shares
bv)

hey...im still here
bin doing some sailing




















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three sheets to the wind

ahh ...no
the reference is right but the meaning is skewed

refers to a ship whose sheets have come loose

causing the sails to flap uncontrolled and the ship to meander

at the mercy of the elements

ok then ...now youve got the picture

bern shares

(too much ...again :)

bv)