just got my automated-abacuss back last night

11 days without a computer - sheesh
for a guy who popped his computer-cherry
only 7 years ago - ive become quite dependent

how'd the jays do
when was dean martin born
is it gonna be warm today
whats on tv tonight
any good movies out this weekend
how do i spell abacus

not to mention the
throngs of emails from all my chicks

bern shares
bv)

...and

special mentions go to
the most positive person i know
...my sister in law dodo
God bless your merry soul my dear















and thats all i have to say about that

bern shares
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im listening to "after the gold rush"
the remake by dolly emmylou and linda

thinking of the ladies in my life that matter


















thats my ash


















thats my sister















and thats my mom

i know i "go on" about her
but ...shes my hero

bern shares
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i dont whether to run and hide
or
consider myself the proud owner of a pet

here i am
cookin with music baby
and open my kitchen window to ventilate

my kitchen spider does not scurry
in fact, unless im drunk (ahh umm well ....actually)
it actually stared me down
im gonna let that little fucker win this round

bern shares
bv)

ps my kid is trying to hook me up
God bless her merry soul
"my ash" sure is a peach

this past week "my little" sister
[she's 42 ...i mean 39 ...i mean younger]
has been in town with her husband MR C and the kids

we (me, M and the kids cm & the a-m)
catch a jays game on tuesday
our experience being heightened by the heckler
in our section
why the hell a body would heckle a third base coach
is beyond me
but i suppose like any artiste worth their paint
its not the medium its the result
it was impossible not to hear him
imagine yourself in a room with 2 tv's
one playing a news broadcast of impending doom
and the other playing pornography
i cant speak for anyone else but me
but when the bomb drops
im thinking "no body told me!!"

anyhoo

security tries to kick him out
and as irritatingly irrascible as he is
he proves to be more entertaining than a PITA
(i just made up - pain in the ass)
"LET HIM STAY" - we all chant
and sure enough - he leads us in the next cheer
"GO JAYS GO"
at this juncture my sister leans over and points out
"I" have been conspicuously absent
in representing our section

"hinske" is at bet, he used to be a jay
and homered at his last at bat
so i muster up my heckle
and yell (right at an untimed lull)
HINSKE - YER A BUM
everybody turns to look at the new heckler

i blush and stick out my chest

the jays lose but we had a raucous ole time

yesterday
the whole fam-damly reunited at my older bro's house
for the first time since summer '06
[minus my father, he's on a golf trip
which kinda greased the wheels]

man oh man
over and above my own re-connections
its great to see mom and my sister and dodo kebitz
frrreaky to see yet another nephew taller than my own
modest 5'9" ...ok ok ...5" 8&3/4"
cool to see my nieces blossom
and nice to see my ash's paul feel more comfortable
being part of us, our familie

not so much more importantly
but the reason i started this post
and meandered to this point

...is that "my ash and i" had one of "our moments"
with all of us just sittin around in the backyard
amongst multiple conversations
i hear a wood pecker
and as i am sitting beside my ash
i turn toward her with the intention
of doing "woody the woodpecker"
but i cant put my finger on it - dammit
she's looking at me looking at her with a blank stare
then i see the connection in her eyes
she knows exactly what im trying to do
hearing the woodpecker in the background
and my ash utters

"huhhuh huh huhhuh, huhhuh huh huhhuh
huh huh huh huh huh"

then we both BURST into laughter
"grasshopper" grabs the stone from my hand
i am chuffed and surprised
DAMN shes good!!

looking around i can see facial expressions
that say "what the heck?!"

our reunion broke up shortly after
and my little sister (& her family)
returned to "clear across the fucking country"
HAPPY to see my sister
im SAD to see her leave

times like this i wish canada
was a small country like ...let's say, ahh holland
we'd be just a jaunt apart

oh well - bright side, bern

for the life of me
i cannot imagine anything being more rewarding
then spending time with my family

[well, besides the obvious WW
...i'm just a man after all ;) ]

bern shares
bv)

HONEST ED'S

on the corner of bloor and bathurst
THE mecca and "adam and eve" of dollar stores
"come in and get lost"
is proudly touted on one his garrish read-a-boards

should you have the need for cheap cheap shit
...ed's is your place
yesterday i felt the need to erase some stuff
from my fridge-whiteboard-need-to-get list

i shopped
i dropped
i saved






















for less than 25 bucks i got:

1 pair of oven mitts
1 can of easy-off
(which i'll never use) [insert devilish grin]
2 packs of batteries
2 not so skimpy rolls of scotch tape
1 pair of latex gloves
(to clean my oven - wink wink nudge nudge)
3 t-shirts (endorsed by rocky balboa)
[not really - but it makes me smeel mainly]

NOW THAT IS MOFO VALUE FOR MY BUCK

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ps apropos of nada
heres another pic of my coolest kid

i'm bern
i'm a waiter

drunks i handle
boors i abide
declasse i deflect
ignoramus i tolerate
and petulance i sift through

but gimme all 5 in a single volley
my reaction is FUCK YOU

long story short
"she" [...heaven forbid i should willingly be in the
same room as this wind-bag]
[[and jsyk i heard she's on her 3rd marriage]]
[[[qu'el suprise]]]
said they HAVE TO be out by 7:30 !!

at 7:15
after an hour of driving my section to distraction
"she" [and jsyk - between those letters lies mulva)
says "well, arncha gonna get us dessert and coffee?"
"maam, you dont have time"
"if you get on it, we will"
"maam, (which rhymnes with punt) you are not the only people
in my section that want me to 'get on it'"

for folks like them
i hope for 15 percent
but mostly i just want them
to get the fuck out of section, SHEESH

bern shares
bv)

jolt
gatorade
red bull

every year brings a "new and exciting" rehydrant

this year's quench du choix is
GTA IV
GTA is an acronym ..."grand theft auto"
the wildly sucessful video game by sony
seems the game is so addictive and intense the "users"
are incapable of multitasking nourishment

sony's answer:
IV ...iv baby ...direct service to the vein
no need to operate one handed whilst gobbling a power bar
let alone peeling an orange

with GTA "IV"
YOU get all the gaming
THEY make sure you dont shrivel up and die
bless their merry souls

bern shares
bv)