we went camping this weekend past
we being nameless jeff with his wife TTS and daughter MLY
as well as KB and his lady love MP
KB is a virgin to camping but nonetheless
a consenting urbanite
God bless your merry heart mr man!
for myself its not so much that i like camping
(which i do in short stints)
i love to get away and leave the shit behind

we left TO around 3:30 on friday
im not a car guy (going on 13 years)
holy traffic - sheesh!!
it never occurred to me that 3 million other people
in 1 million cars would have the same idea
we spent half our journey just trying
to reach the city walls
being the oldest in the car
i got shotgun - cuz grown-ups get the front seat
unfortunately that meant i couldnt watch the dvd
the other younglings were enjoying
(dvd players in cars - huh)

















lake simcoe is our destination
a one and a half hour journey turned into
a three hour tour
a three hour tour













the weather started getting rough
the tiny camp was tossed
if not for a belt from a jug of jim beam
some tempers would be lost
some tempers would be lost

setting up camp in the rain sucks
(common vernacular deemed necessary)
and im still trying to figure out my tent
[kinda like elton john lyrics]
pegs and strings and poles oh my
[calgon take me away]
it was virgin-boy KB who had the foresight to pack some hooch
God bless your merry heart mr man!














so being the troopers we are - our got camp set up
[did i mention IN THE RAIN]
we begrudgingly passed on MPs plank-salmon dinner (bummer)
and headed into orillia for an easy-peasy
sit down dinner at 'hey bahdah bing bahdah boom'

having eatin and lcbo'ed we headed back to 'our pad'
well well
lordy lordy
the clouds had retreated and the heavens burst forth
(out there somewhere is pluto formerly known as a planet)

personal note:
there are four things that allow me to rationalize
mosquitos, too-far-away toilets, cheerful people before noon,
and too-far-away toilets:

*holy stars at night
*camp fire captivation
*sleeping in my tent on a cool summers eve
*taking a dip in the lake (in lieu of a shower)
[i know its gross - but its true]

i was the last to go to bed that evening
(reckon bout 5ish)
if a moment could last forever
(besides my ASH being born)
that would have been it
no noise
no city shit
no guilty conscience (im catholic)
no work
no regret
for one moment all things are possible
my dreams can come true
and i get to live happily ever after

counting shooting stars
crackling campfire
cricket orchestration
chipmunks raccoons and bears oh my
the big dipper
where is that dang little dipper
no fire flies - drag
and a cool refreshing cider with a jaggie back














heres a thing
stare at the fire long enough to close your pupils
then look up at the sky
as your pupils adjust to the lack of light
the heavens unfold and are revealed star by star
do it again
and again
and again
as many times as it takes to humble your big-city heart

giddy-up jack

the next morning (only hours later)
i was last to be born from my tent (props to TTS)
KB and MP had followed nameless jeff and family to go for a dip
donned only in shorts i repaired my tent from its hasty setup
then i made myself a cuppa joe
took a fold out chair and enjoyed the silence
[after 25+ years in restaurant biz - i do enjoy my silence]
by time the rest of the cats came back from the lake
i was good to go

one by one they tricked down the lane back to camp
wee MLY first ...'i just wanted to run back'
now it was time for breakfast
aside from TTS there were 4 cooks on the campsite
and all had different ideas bout:
how eggs are done
how beans are cooked
how bacon keeps warm
how bread is toasted
one thing we did agree on was that
too many cooks spoil the breakfast
after a little powwow and a few apoligies we got crackin ;)
for the rest of weekend our cooking went off
swimmingly (rain aside)

while eating our sumptuous coleman stove breakfest
we bantered about our rain soaked set up the night before
nameless jeff and i went for an invigorating dip in the lake

then the boys went to town (literally) for provisions
the girls let the boys go 'to town' on the unspoken proviso
that the boys not forget the provisions
should they happen to stop for a cold refreshing 'dehydrator'

ok boys
lcbo - check
grocery store - check
butcher - check
(tell me, do you link your own sausage)
fresh corn - check
ice - check
firewood - check

yes of course we stopped for a beer
do bears shit in the woods
(BEARS!!!)
maria was our bartender
pretty and spunky
was 30 per cent too much
i think not
[when i think back on maria i sure gets lusty eh]

















provisions in car we headed back to the camp site to prepare
our dinner extravaganza
KB steaks
jeffs shrimp and cheese stuffed toms on greens
berns moms potatos
and corn bbqed in the husk

















just as we finished preparing dinner
the aforementioned heavens opened - with rain - again
but that did not douse our spirits
huddled under a tarp we noshed like barbarians

the berns 'moms potatos' were killer (its my blog)

after that:
TTS and MLY tented
KB and MP kanoodled under tarp
jeff and bern kept the dream alive by
umbrella'ing and feeding the campfire

if the fire dies
so to do the hope and dreams of all mankind
we even served smores to our fellow campers (in the rain)

despite the rain the evening was rife with great moments
after everyone crept off to their tent (not plural ww jeffery)
me myself and i availed ourselves of the campfire
this time sans stars
my golf umbrella (fore!) shielded me from the rain
and once again my reveries took me far and away

the next day
i was last to be born from my tent ...again
holy hangover
(might have been the red wine, could have been the jager)
KB and MP helped me take down my tent
God bless your merry hearts!!
i went for one more dip for the road
and then we headed back to the city

when we arrived back in the big smoke
it was 1:30 on sunday
we had only been away for about 46 hours
felt like 4 days

cool

good times spent with my friends
the quality of which is punctuated
by God's green earth
...so what if i was 5 pounds heavier

i got dropped off first
then the happy couples returned to their roosts
being a bachelor - my abode was empty and seemed all too quiet
so off i went to my local
two of andrews sunday caesars got me reurbanized lickitysplit

and thankfully
fond memories of campfires and the stars above
still linger

bern shares
bv)

holy noisy city
why do some motorists insist on sounding
their horn at the slightest provocation

the sole purpose of the car horn is to
make others aware of your presence
for safety's sake
it is not meant to be used to communicate to every
person within a five block radius when you are
miffed pissed apoplectic or otherwise

traffic citations should be issued
to these irritating individuals

as well
a bright red plastic clown nose












as an alternative to blaring their car horns
these bombastic buffoons

...can honk on bobo

bern shares
bv)

my fellow blogger jeff
(who shall remain nameless)
has suggested that
"after dinner at the schnitzel house"
i should rename my blog -longfellow shares-

albeit a josh not a slur
the only time i write poetry
is when im drunk or in love
(or drunk with love - ooh thats a good one)
plus-also 'im not a' well read 'man' in the genre
'but i know' how to google ...'long fellow'

my first attempt tramatized me sordid pictures of john holmes
having made no sexual reference in my post
i tried again but removed the 'space'

ta-dah ...this old coot














enery wadsworth longfellow

(end of preamble)
[some might argue i digress]
heres my retort:

a longfellow, i am not
nor have i the wind for his poetry
a diamond though, i may be
but only in the rough (fore!)

"i'll weave his web of rhyme
upon this summer night
we'll leave this worldly time
on his wing-ed flight
then come, and as we lay
beside this summer glade
there i will sing to you
my longfellow serenade"
















bern shares
bv)

ps thats not me in the 2nd picture

after dinner at the schnitzel house

i do enjoy a double scoop
in a waffle cone
to munch on
on my way back home

bern shares
bv)

re: oops

i hope you cats did not have the opportunity
to read the heaps of nonsense i published after
sipping "ice tea" all evening

my sister (m.) emailed me
to ask if i had been drinking
well ...i had been

lesson learned
post when youre drinking
publish when youre sober

the next day i spent a good couple hours
editing and trying to justify my post
in the end my "blue pencil" left nothing

no point
not entertaining
i was merely listening to my self talk

im new to blogging
i like it - it gives my quiet voice forum
AND my loved ones a rest from my "ice tea emails"

yeah sure ive had a couple i.t's
but i reckon im only-just apologising
and presenting a guffaw

anyhoo
moving on with our shoo
for those of us who feel unempowered

i offer
every dog has his day



















bern shares
bv)

oops

i like order
order makes sense to me
without order we have chaos

when i get a hankering for a little chaos
i put too much wasabi on my sushi

bern shares
bv)

have you ever used a tape gun?

you know, for sealing boxes when you are moving on (wince)
its a wonder of modern invention
having been exposed to its wonder my life is changed
never again will i stick a multitude of tape strips to the counter

...life changing moments ...hmm

i bet if i think about it real hard i can remember
my first pair of shoes (with scrunched up face)
[this is only the first time ill quote forrest, forrest gump (f,fg)]

well, they were not my first pair but by far more important

being brought up in a lower middle class family
we always had food (meatloaf) on the table
and powdered milk (yuck!!) in the fridge

my mom bought my sneakers at bi-way
for the 'low low k-mart price' of $1.99
growing up in oakville i schoolled with more 'haves' than 'have nots'
meaning most kids my age were wearing adida roms
...white leather - three navy blue stripes
not off white canvas with two measley bluish stripes
as were my bi-way specials
when i wasnt with my nerdy chums it seemed
the cool kids took notice of my feet
to myself i think "its not my fault 'we' cant afford all that stuff
but i sure as hell wish 'we' could"

God bless my mom and papa for keeping me fed and sheltered
and buying sneakers for my feet
some kids had less
like the j. brothers (they got made fun of for having b.o.)

[[today]] - i could give two shits if any prig or tough-guy
take exception to anything about me - my values ethics character
and least of all my wardrobe - im good now
as life is a process i will not possess this
bravadoic awareness (beer soaked or otherwise) for about another 20 years

its not like i could 'save-up my allowance' like the 'haves'
cuz i didnt get paid for my chores
thats how we earned our keep
if i wanted real sneakers then i had to get myself a real job
my paper route money was only enough to afford me
fries in the cafeteria at lunch and the odd movie
thank god i wasnt one of those 'cool' people
(cigarettes booze drugs and fast cars certainly are costly)

so i got me a real job (i believe i was 15)
at consumers distributing
official designation - stockpicker
which meant as long as i filled the orders in a timely fashion
i had free-roam of the warehouse
ask me sometime about the "reversable-ursula puzzle"
[ursula andress ...va va va voom]

with my first pay cheque i bought my first pair of adida roms

alas
no one welcomed me to the club
there was no jubilation
only a feeling of relief
no one said 'cool shoes bern'
(except my nerdy chums)
(and my mom asked me how much i paid)
most importantly
...no longer did anyone stare at my feet

...were they ever really staring at my feet
i dont really know
maybe it was just my imagination
maybe "they" were my insecurities personified

regardless ...those shoes (that job) changed my life
i was becoming a man
there were no great revelations
no father-son fireside life chats
just a real nice feeling that just maybe ...i do fit in

bern shares
bv)

ok ....heres a thing
im watching a movie thats makin me misty (machismoisticly of course)
the whole time im watching this movie
(ok ok "a league of their own")
[shut up]
im thinking
is this movie a good use of my time
after all, my moments are finite ....never gonna get em back
weighed in the balance
are moments left wanting
or are they something i can hang my hat on

shit
did i digress
no
...im good

so this was time well wasted(to quote the comedy channel)
cuz it gave me thots of the cats i love
and peeps that define my life
(daddxo)(bbb)(broadsword)(og b)(ub)(bbabyb)
as well as a son and a waiter waiting patiently at the service bar :)

thats it for now
as allways
smirky boy smirks

bv)

there i was, stranded in a country western bar
and drunk, duh
granted it was the last stop of our stag-bar crawl
(fyi the peelers were uninspired)
[had they notve been my blog name might read
...'who-is-trixey-and-why-is-her-name-tatooed-on-my-ass']

i digress
i do that {i'm convinced its entertaining}

this anecdote has me in the middle of the teeming dance floor
by my lonesome
sans pardner
i reckon most guys woulda grabbed the nearest gal
and started two-steppin

not bern (thats me)
i get in the face of the hottest annie oakley
and with beer soaked bravado, ask:
"so, wanna form a congo line?"

bern shares
bv)