bern shares: January 2007

did i mention im a waiter?...
my section got slammed
I - GOT - ROCKED

physically incapable of keeping up with
my customers incessant demands i went ballistic

and spent 4 hours in the weeds

BUT i got the job done
someone should tell these leeches 15% is the bare minimum

i feel drained and need a drink stat
just want to get to my local
sit quietly
and not have to talk to anyone for at least 2 hours
except the bartender - i need another drink

bern shares
bv)

S.A.D.
[relax there boys - ill see you at the bar on friday]

seasonal affective disorder
recurrent winter depression characterized by over sleeping
overeating (craving for carbohydrates) and irritability
relieved by the arrival of spring or light therapy

light therapy
being a 47 year old with a mom and an all-growed-up daughter
i am of 3 minds from 3 generations
my mom thinks this light therapy would be useful to
placate her finicky orchids
bern thinks every day can be as lazy as a sunday morning
as bountiful as a thanksgiving dinner
and an opportunity to tell interlopers to just fuck off
by simply mentioning to the PWLS (peeps-who-love-syndromes)
im doing that "light therapy"
theyll say "dont worry about being lazy fat and hornery"
you must be SAD - we understand - hows the light working?
my ash rolls her eyes and says dont be ridonkulous
you dont need therapy
you need to to go to vegasbaby

all verbosity aside
im not one to subscribe to the syndrome of the day
but i know this - WINTER SUCKS
IT GETS ME DOWN MAN - it gets me down
perhaps i am SAD
or perhaps i am
FORLORN
WOEBEGONE
BEREFT
or BLUE

BUT one thing is certain
as right as rain
as pure as the driven snow
as sure as im standinging here

when the sun bursts thru the clouds
and warms my cheeks
life seems less daunting
my step is spry
my dreams have legs
my love explodes
and my plants need more water

sure, i can weather the storm
its just that after the storm has passed
ive gone all "rip van winkle"
put on 20 pounds
and pissed everyone off (ww i know i know)

props to my ash T my buds and familie [ :) ]
you define my world - giddy up

bern shares
bv)

elevators on the other hand freak me right out
and not a "hey thats cool" kind of freak out
elevators are confining and claustrophobic
and force people to be in my space

how safe can one feel in a box dangling on a string
NOT VERY

the last time i lived in a high rise was 1980
between "freak me out" elevators
and my nonaffinity for walking up stairs
it has been zero altitude domiciles since then
even negative altitude but that was before
my claustrophobia decided to include basement apts

currently i live in a 3 story walk-up on the 3rd floor
there is an elevator
(certain concessions this La-Z-Boy will NOT make)
being only 3 stories, if the string did break
knock knock on wood
i doubt it would be...you know what - lets move past this

anyhoo

in the elevator of my building
is posted its registration as provided by the TSSA

what i find especially unnerving is the classification
under which my elevator is registered

ONTARIO CERTIFICATE OF REGISTRATION
FOR UPHOLSTERED AND STUFFED ARTICLES

it just me or is there something amiss here!!
like every other elevator the certificate should read:

ONTARIO ELEVATING DEVICE LICENSE

who has the maintenace contract? leons?
an elevator is neither a couch or pillow
and an elevator is NOT an elevator by an other name
would you trust a doctor who got his training
from a pack of matches?
i think not!
it might as well read:

YOU SHOULD HAVE READ THIS
BEFORE THE DOORS CLOSED - HA HA

bern shares
bv)

george costanza is to public washrooms
what bern is to escalators

i frickin love escalators
they make my urban experience tolerable
not necessarily because im lazy (which i am - duh)
i just aint in a rush
even when im late - which is always (eh? t)
i dont walk on the escalator ...im all about the ride
[my personality is type b ....minus
possibly even a solid c-plus]
the feeling of floating is what escalates my experience
especially up up and away
on my beautiful my beautiful balloon

(i digress)
what confounds me is the peeps that do walk on the escalator
that makes no sense to me and its down right disrespectful
to us escalatorians
people walking on a escalator is like people talking in a libary
dadgumit its just dang impolite

try it
shoot the breeze

bern shares
bv)

living happy...

that was me wasnt it
waxing all know-it-all about living happy
SHEESH
if life were only as simple for real as it is on paper
or at least MY stationary anyway

ok ...here is living happy - addendum a
in the event that you are living and continue to not be happy
...fake it

root thru your imaginary happy-closet
find your happy face and your happy walk
don the face and practice the walk in the hall
when youve got it down pat
open your front door and get out there
DONT THINK
get on with your life
you may not be happy right off the bat but they wont know
because you have your happy trappings
if necessary dig deep in your happy pocket and pull out your laugh
that one takes a lot of energy
so make sure you have your proton energy pill

jsyk - faking happy is a tough haul
dont be disheartened if you only last a few minutes the first time
go home relax dont beat up on yourself - watch some tv
get a good night sleep
next day get up and giddy-up ITS A NEW DAY MR (MS) MAN
practice your happy face in the mirror
practice your happy walk in the hall
open your front door
and get out there AGAIN
try to last longer this time
and longer tomorrow
and even longer the day after that

heres the thing
the fake happy takes
the paydirt is a moment without anguish
a happy moment
perhaps even a string of happy moments
easy bern ...yer gettin ahead of yourself (again)

im suggesting going "schneider"
ONE DAY AT A TIME baby - one day at a time

bern shares
bv)

this working for a living sucks
(as much as i always discouraged my ash from using that word
...it really packs a pg punch - albiet not as much as its
x-rated counterpart the f-word)

anyhoo...working sucks