my big bro frank

holy molly lordy lordy
doesnt rhyme with forty
cuz hes freaking holy shit fifty

god bless your heart mr man

the prow of a well manned canoe cuts the water
so too does our frank

















ill speak for LSM and LBP and yo MAMA
youre a good man
semma lemma teena

bern shares
bv)

bern did some shares about christmas
its down there somewhere

to read it youll have to scroll down past
yo mama

homer




and harrison
as you pass harrison might you tell him
hes doing very well today (ww kb mp)

bern (directing you to where he left his) shares
bv)

jsyk

yo-yo ma is a person
not an enthusiastic expression of accord
who knew?













turns out mr ma is virtuoso cellist
one of the finest in the world in fact
a child prodigy conducted by leonard bernstein

yeah sure
but can he walk the dog?!











bern shares
bv)

christmas
...huh

the last time i got excited about christmas was december 1987
thats me decorating and my ash consulting
[ok ok now i know about the no-white after labour day - sheesh]



















'89 is when i started being "ash's dad that lives in toronto"
...since then christmas has never been the same
i wouldnt change a thing - im just sayin
and while im bah-humbugging i should mention














that every year at this time
there is ONE question makes me shake my head
"so, are you finished your christmas shopping?"
JEEZE LOUISE!!
what the hell does buying a bunch of stuff have to do with
the celebration of christ's birth
or at the bare (ww ash) minimum
...peace on earth, good will to men

heres the thing
im not here to poopoo christmas
nor the peeps that choose this time of year to jump on the bandwagon
im just saying
now becuz its xmas you wanna get all cozy cozy and way too close
well mr man i could used a little good will back in friggin august

ok bern ...easy buddy ...time for a cherry cherry miss miss egg nog (ww T)

as this xmas will be no less daunting than any other
i am foregoing any gushing till its "christmas past"

be that as it may
the show must go on
bern's eclectic christmas will return
and is scheduled to hit the streets late in december

may your days be merry and bright
and may all your christmas's be white
merry christmas bing
merry christmas frank
merry christmas everybody















bern shares
bv)

i bet if i think about it real hard
i can remember my first french kiss

between grade 7 and 8
it was the summer of '72
patricia had a b-day pool party for her friend sue
jsyk - the girls were wearing bikinis

[being a nerd with zero game - i found bikinis
to be more daunting than exciting
i am liken to herbie in 'the summer of '42]

this was a good old fashioned pool party
no booze no drugs no cigarettes
pop chips whimsy and tittering
giggling girls and boys trying to fill out their trunks

after a few hours of playing and posturing in the pool
we adjourned to the rec-room
for dun dun dun-dun our parlour game
spin-the-bottle
the only other time i had played spin-the-bottle was in grade four
lemme tell ya it was nbw
and just as well - cuz if it was a big whoop
i prolly woulda bolted - bless my hick ass heart

our game started off innocently enough
spin - ooh - ahh - lean foward and peck - and giggle
spirited by our burgeoning olderness
we cats stepped up the ante
the kissers were to go behind a "blind" in the laundryroom
further to that we created the "big blind"
where in we spun for the spinner and sent in the kisser

well there i was the waiter behind the curtain
during this time
patricia's older sister and friend crashed our party
and unbeknownced to me decided to play our game

so when the curtained opened and my "kisser" stepped in
it wasnt one of my contemporaries
it was diane la frenchname
startled and red faced yet determined
i silently (to cover my awkwardness) leaned forward with pursed lips
her lips were not pursed
nor was her tongue at bay

WHOA ...WOW ...KNEAK WEED
she turned and disappeared thru the curtain
by the time i composed myself (swimming trunks) she was gone

so there you have it
my reveries oft include ms la frenchname
more oft even than my first 'real deal' (sharon mucholder)

















and this makes sense to me
as its in his kiss - thats where it is

i trust my T will attest

bern shares
bv)

i walked by the ROM today
(royal ontario museum - for my international readers:)

man oh man
every time i walk by this abomination
i say to my self
self, i says - that looks like shit
like a project that ran out of funding
like the result of an earthquake
like a kid mixed a "mechano set" with "legos"












hogwash i tell you hogwash

as my T will attest
im not exactly an "awts and litritcher" guy
usually i get the brown pie last and the pink pie first
but to my credit im damn easy with the green pie

sorry i digress

i dont even like museums
although i do have a print of mona lisa in my livingroom


















you know ...to impress art lovers like myself
albiet not an exact replica
it is an art lovers interpretation

anyhoo back to the ROM
who 'signed off' on this wart of steel and glass
we shouldve just painted the damn thing pink
and put a big ass bow on it!!
SHEESH (ww og T)



















i like peanut butter and bacon on toast
i bet your water-cooler cohorts dont feel the same way about the ROM

bern shares
bv)

"near and dear" is before "big kiss"
because thats what computers do
shhhh ...dont buck the system
they might hear you

i know i know
its been awhile
ive been working on something near and dear
and difficult to articulate

in the interim
heres a big kiss







bern(didnt really)shares
bv)

when i was teenager i decided
come hell or high water I was gonna
live happily ever after
using my parents euphemisticly incongruous relationship
as a spring board i vaulted in the opposite direction

from my father:
i didnt get his height but i did get his pig headedness
(yep no height just his 'husky'ness)
from mom:
i got her tenacity and her lack of height
(bummer - never quite got to 5'9')
from my father:
i got control freak
from mom:
i got the ability to usurp control quietly
they call it PAB - passive agressive behavior
["bullshit" (muffled in a sneeze)]

from a previous failed marriage i have my ash
"failed" pertains to my marriage
"serendipitous" pertains to my ash
my little lovely is now 22
she is a pixie
a journeyman and already quite eccentric
God bless your merry soul my dear

so... coming from an oppressive childhood
and passing thru a pre"mature" marriage
i wasnt any closer to living happily ever after
but i do have a cool ass beautiful kid
[i wonder sometimes how far from centre i might have strayed
had i not (unbegrudgingly) had the responsibilty
to be a role model for a blossoming wee petunia]

anyhoo
i tested the babe-waters several times over the years:
*dumped one cuz she called me chicken for being scaird of roller coasters
*tail-gaited in west virginia with a young uni-grad
until i got traded for a younger model
*lived with a nurse for a spell - she was nice
*and of course theres the "A"word - bless her heart
from her i learned how desperate and ill prepared i was
to "live happily ever after"
*and then there is T

i have learned a few things over the last ten years
...i am not bound by my parents conventions
the definition of relationship is radically different
times have changed
"cook my dinner cuz i bring home the bacon " doesnt fly anymore

[obscure metaphor warning]
tins are good for rice and spices
tins are not good for feelings and emotions
bern - STOP putting things in managable containers
surf your life babe!
surf your life
so ...i reduced "living happily ever after"
to "living happy"
this is one old dog who is hell bent on learning some new tricks dadgumitt
papas got a brand new bag

im back baby
pledging to myself
to be more open and and more frank (ww frank)
kind of like "the summer of george"

T is certainly the beautiful lady
:) xoxo babe



where'er i roam
whatever realms to see
my heart untravelled
fondly turns to thee





que sera que sera
whatever we will be we will be

bern shares
bv)

i am in love
this is how i know


















bern shares
bv)

so another halloween is apon us
its been a long long time since i went out trick or treating
heck its been a long time since my kid has as well
when my ash has a kid (no pressure)
i fully expect to the coolest opa (dutch for grandad) out t or t'ing
by that time i will have zero inhibitions
and will wear any dumb ass costume to please my grandkid

this is me with my big bro in '67


















we are pirates
douglas fairbanks and errol flynn
i took fairbanks
flynn was ...ah ...um ...er ...too tall
yeah thats it too tall - not that theres anything wrong with that

this is me in '79

















my first bar gig
(i worked at the very first kelseys)
they quickly yanked my ass out of the kitchen to star on the bar
...and as they say the rest is history
(at the bare minimum - histrionics)
i was only 20 and people paid attention to me
divorcees talked to me and cats passed me "party favors"
its like they didnt know i wasnt cool
COOL
and just becuz a guy looks like errol flynn on halloween
doesnt mean he likes to mutiny on the bounty
not that theres anything wrong with that

this is me '96


















not halloween but my big bros 40th - man he's old! (wait a sec)
i was only trying to razz him with the make-up
but if time is one thing - it is prophetic and with out bias

this is me now


















next year
im getting me some florida-skin-toned polly-filla
and im goin out as:



















sometimes i do go on, eh
bern shares
bv)