i saw a picture of katie dawson cruise
and it got me to thinking about jumpsoncouch ...again
now as i recollect
last year katie and jumpie had a child out of wedlock

which is not to be confused with matlock












anyhoo
and that got me thinking...
what happens the next time jumpie
experiences a life changing moment so jumponcouchable
that it moves him to share with us once again via harpo
ie - a child in matlock (good thing he's not catholic)

will he have oprah and her crew
over to his house for a casual lunch in the kitchen
then gush and morph into into "jumpsonfrig"


















and where does it go from there?
like when jumpie buys the church of scientology
does he become "jumpsonhouse"


















how bout if in the same week he releases two sequels
one good man and a few others and mocktail
whats the next jump jack? (wry smile)
will it be "jumpsoverabuildinginasinglebound"

but isnt that impossible for a mortal man??



















here's the thing
after one jumps over a building in a single bound
whats left?
faster than a speeding bullet - done
is it a bird - done
is it a plane - done
aquaman already breathes under water
the flash is already ...well ...the flash

jumpie must surely form his own super-league
stuntman
leadingman
the grip
and femme fatale


















[[truth be known i wouldnt mind seeing
wonder woman and femme fatale have at it
in a turtle pool filled with olive oil
but im sure thats just me being crazy]]

bern shares
bv)

goodness gracious me !!

that was an especially disheartening loss
by the toronto maple leafs this evening
oh well
im sure they did their best
we'll get them next time













NOT

holy shit
that friggin sucked
we were up 4 - 1 in the third
and lost 5 - 4
its crunch time jack for crying out loud (col)(think it'll fly ash?)
as consolation i offer:
















bern shares
bv)

back to square one
its been over 25 years

...my nest is empty
AND no one to tell me to change my shirt

i took a week off for mental health
(note to self - do that more often)
my mojo and me - we need to reconnect
i didnt go away because what i need is not out there
its around here ...somewhere
after a quiet week of junk food, tv, my dvd collection
and nobody bugging me
the only thing i reconnected with is 5 more pounds
on the bright side though
i did hear myself laugh out loud (lol ttt ash) a few times

as God calls the shots (make mine tequila please)
i best ride it out and do my best to be bern
when i get my footing back i will embrace the future once again
who knows jack
my life might be a glorious 8-track
my life might be sand thru an hour glass
either way i got to do what i got to do
i just need a little time (...and more potato chips)
to let God let me think i got things fingered out

and while im at it perhaps i should rethink monogamy ;)













once again and as always - self defecating (w'uh mp & kb)

bern shares
bv)

i just enjoyed the lord of the rings trilogy ...again

the strength of bond these characters share
feels at home in my heart and stirs it every time
dont even get me started on all the cool battle scenes

"certainty of death
small chance of success
...what are we waiting for"
ya gotta love that gimli

for the most part and in the real world
i am content with
steadfastly taking care of my affairs and my post
like samwise gamgee













the gardener

put one foot in front of the other

bern shares
bv)

jobs bern would love


















intergalactic hero

one must have a raygun and need be proficient at
"the stop short"

...a move perfected by frank costanza
which consists of hitting the breaks quickly and stretching
the right arm out to prevent one's female companion
from going thru the windshield - thus creating the
opportunity for copping a little feel

bern shares
bv)

todays urberant

im a night owl - i work evenings
when i was younger i was a nighthawk


















but now that im older im definitely a night owl
definitely a night owl
(what movie ash?)

i only work the odd lunch
so im not used to being functional before noon
let alone at 10:30 am
...and i probably wont really be awake till about 12:20
and at point my section will be full and ill think to myself
"why am i sweating?"

anyhoo
here i am on a crowded subway platform
with all these aliens cramping my space
the subway arrives and rolls to a stop
ding ...ding ...ding ...the "music stops"
and now we all have to play musical chairs
some bolt for the nearest unoccupied seat
thats beneath me
i prefer a determined gait accompanied
by a "dont fuck with me glower"
i spy an open 3-seat bench
and as its just me and another chap left to find a seat
i think to myself "cool - didnt that work well"

good manners is the grease of a civil society
me - i said that

so what does dough-head go and do
he sits in the middle of the bench
jeez louise
either this twit is thinking hes gonna score
the entire bench for himself
or hes not thinking at all
both thoughts are reprehensible
and either way im thinking "fuck you"
so... i harrrummph myself onto my deserv-ed third
and with physical contact display my displeasure
we are so close i am reminded of the chick i picked up last night

that was self-defecating












to further make my point
i settle my weight toward him
he moves over but only a couple of inches
despite the fact there is an entire vacant seat beside him
i settle in even more - good lord man!! are not civilized??
as much as i would like to think that our man
considered my situation
i believe it was hump apon which
this dumb shit thrust himself
that was the deciding factor in which mr doesntplaywellwithothers
finally shoves all the way over
i relax into my up-too-early reveries
and wonder if im actually still in bed wrestling my pillow

heres the thing about a civil society
the infrastructure is order
one can be politically left
but on the sidewalk one should be right
expressing oneself thru art - good for the whole
spray painting someone elses property - bad for the whole
and middle of the road is not always good
we need to evolve by considering new thought

its all about balance baby - balance
berns a libra












...dang - i said to myself - bern i said
bout time you posted without a picture of a chick
you know - for credibility ...oh well :) smirk

anyhoo like i was saying
without order there is kaos
and to those of you who do not subscribe to this philosophy
i say ...get smart




















bern shares
bv)

waiters are accountable for everything
yet in control of nothing
(except of course for the quality of table service we provide)
we dont greet you and pick your table
we dont make your cocktail or bottle your wine
we dont cook your food or grow it for that matter
the lighting the a/c the music and the toilet paper
all fall under the jurisdiction of the management
and its not our fault that your credit card is declined

being a waiter is like playing dodgeball









except the waiter never gets to throw a ball
(most male waiters where a cup)

the manager opens the doors and the game begins
the hostess fires the first ball
(actually 3) as she triple seats me
the chef scrrreeems the next ball
pick up! pick up! hot food!
(i can hear the chef all the way out in my section
- thank goodness none of my customers have ears)












the hostess fires again
my table 212 has a crying baby
bam (back of the head) - that kid is bugging us!
hurls 213 (my round top drinking $220 wine)
the bartender chucks one by chatting up the lady
sitting near the service end of the bar













instead of paying attention to my drinks
whack - square in the back - this is gin i wanted vodka
launches 208 and whats with that kid
the manager joins the fray
with an anything but a subtle bonk on the forehead
have you been to 212 theyre looking around

no shit sherlock
[thats cuz my entire section is staring them down
...their kid is recking everyones dinner]
[[personally i think every restaurant of our caliber should
have a kids menu consisting of only one item
KD $112.95
anyone under 12 must have it or leave]]
[[[well ...a mans gotta dream]]]
[[[[parents of screaming kids is by far my
biggest personal restaurant vexation]]]]

i digress and use too many brackets
anyhoo
i glance over at 212
two balls narrowly miss removing my ears
what about us! the young couple fire my way

the action continues
BOFF BOMP WHACK WHAM WHOMP


kitchen - overcooked new york on 213
[jeez - by the time the recook gets out here everyone else
is gonna be done - theres no way i can autograt that table now]
hostess - oh sorry did i mention the bday at 212
bartender - vodka in the shirley temple for 212
[i should serve it anyways that would at least
shut that kid up i snicker to myself]
207 - im allergic to gluten
208 - i want bluecheese stuffed olives
212 - will you sing HBD to our kid [ahhh...no]
213 - stiffs me on the tip [shouldve autogratted them - damn!!]
and the final "ball" of the evening comes from
206 - my nice quiet little deuce that decides to camp for hours
with port and a cheese platter for two

oh calgon - take me away

heres the bummer about getting stiffed on the tip
[besides the obvious - not enough money]
the waiter tips out anywhere from 3 to 7 percent of their sales
(mine is 5 1/4%)
the hostess the bartender the cooks AND the manager
ALL get a cut of my tip money
if any one of them drop the ball (pun intended)
i still have to tip them out
even though my customer just stiffed me cuz theyre pissed
about something over which i have no control

lets do some math together
ie 212 - their check is $150 before tax
they stiffed me ...quel suprise - a measly 10%-pretax
$15.00 - $7.88 = $7.12
this couple of 905ers (aka bridge and tunnel) shouldve
been dining at chuckie cheese rather than wasting my table
from them i net less than i tip out
($7.12 doesnt even buy my first pint)











should your dining experience be so radically compromised
by anyone other than your waiter
i recommend the following:
speak to the manager straight away
however if youre not
comfortable with confrontation go home and write
a strongly worded letter (ww t) to the establishment
should you receive an apology and/or free shit
give the restaurant another chance - cuz shit happens man
either way tip your waiter
according to the quality of the table service
ive read you can tell a lot about a person by how they
treat the waiter

when im on my game
my service rarely dips below exceptional













on the occasion that i do "drop a plate"
i dont begrudge a lesser tip
in fact i will even "overlook" a shitty tip
if my customer has been pleasantly low maintenance
or has a nice personality










i like my job
once in a while i get to make a difference
and thats cool

bern shares
bv)