don't bother calling me tomorrow night

i'll be busy
i'm attending the the home opener of the raptors



yeah, my kid...



and her "mr man" ...(i like him)...[he's a good man]



are treating me and his dad (u)
(u's a l'il wacky - but cool)[...i should know ww]
to the game ...very cool gesture ...very cool jack
my first and only experience with paul's dad is playing bocce
over and above being "the man of the lawn"
he is quite hospitable and patient with my bocce-ups



qu'el suprise ...as i had invited some friends
[sorry ash - please let an aging man have his fantasies]

anyhoo

im sure im gonna have a good night
my kid is good
her mr man is good
and mr man's dad is good
its all good ...gitty-up

let the games commence

bern shares
bv)

alert the 5th estate

bern's 5th eclectic christmas compilation
is in preproduction

ho ho ho

i - love - christmas carols
should you ever find me on a ledge
dont friggin talk to me
just find elvis and have him sing
"oh come all ye faithful"
...and bob's yer uncle

i usually try for 25 to 30 ish tracks
(thats production speak for songs)

"bern's christmas" is truly a labour of love
consequently - perfection takes priority
over the production schedule

this year, however

it is my solemn intent (wince)(shrug)
to have this baby on the streets 2 weeks before
the eve of christmas

jsyk
its the 20th anniversary of my favourite christmas











as much as i'm all amped-up with onset of christmas
i just wanna reiterate

[specifically for ash and vaness]
those days...
...were the happiest of my life [to date ... :)]







and thats all i have to say about that
except perhaps













merry merry christmas baby
[santa claus's crack is brown]

bern shares
bv)

the gist of this

i got from my sister-in-law dodo ...the email queen
God bless her soul
[she's right up there with my mom]

anyhoo

"hollywood squares" was a great tv game show
when the responses were spontaneous and clever
not scripted and often dull as they are now

peter marshall was the host
he asks the questions
and here are some classic answers from the show's regulars

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long
enough.















[he is samantha's uncle in bewitched...huh huh huh]

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high
should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


















his real name is cliff arquette
his big kick at the can is hollywood squares
good for him
beats my best kick by 20 yards


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.











he was posed that "if it werent for electricity
we'd be watching tv by candlelight"

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man
or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


















whhhh whhhh whhhh whh, whh whh whh whh whh

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.












"sally" and buddy along with dick vandyke
are staff writers on the alan brady show

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


















this is not charley
its arte johnson ...from laugh-in
and they are both lechers
[it takes one to know one mr man]

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say
"I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.















if you cant scare em on the big screen
assault thier sensibilities on the small screen
giddy-up vinnie

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


















Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going
to get any during the first year?
A. Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.












Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting
into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo!
Poo!" what does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

















thats jackie gleason
if you need explanation
im giving you a free trip to the moon

bern share
bv)

i have a pet ...finally










back in the stone age when
i dragged (drugged?) my wife around by her hair














we tried 2 dogs and 1 cat (not simultaneously)
both dogs went back to the pound (my job - wince)
but the cat took

since then
ive only been a step-pet-owner of cats and dogs

cats i dont like - actually
im rather scared of the little fuckers
when i was 20ish a snarly ass feline
put every tooth and claw into my hand
because i had the audacity to pet it

dogs are ok
i quite like them
except for the walking thing
when i get home from work
i expect my wife to hand me
a manhattan not a leash

our first dog was sasha
...a big black lazy afghan
more akin to a throw
[it sure as hell wasnt my idea]
i was working nights
she was working days
we had a less than 1 year old screamer (ww ash)
a bold and demanding (ww vaness) kid in grade 2
we were living in a fixer-upper rowhouse
all the while trying to maintain party central
(pastry wrapped sausages and bag-in-a-box wine)












so, when i got home from work
rather than walk-the-dog id fix-a-manhattan
tack on to that, the fact that it was winter...cold
so i would just open the back door
and let "it" "go" out in the backyard
keep in mind our townhouse "backyard"
is only a postage stamp

holy man!!!
when the snow finally thawed
there was "preserved" dog shit everywhere
and i mean everywhere

we briefly had another pooch
[not my idea ...again]
this one chewed up our linoleum kitchen floor
while we were at swiss chalet ...see ya

like i said the only pet that took was
"marble" our cat
she came first and watched the interlopers come and go

marble is the only cat ive ever trusted













huh ...i gotta say those were some times back then
husband bern wife ey kid vaness kid ash (dogs excluded)







a moment to ponder ...sigh

like i said papas gotta brand new pet
my mom would be so proud
its a spider
it lives between my kitchen windows
(jsyk ...i dont like spiders and snakes)
when i cook i slide open the inside window
and watch "vincent" creep back into the corner
before i roll out the outside window
ive been here for over a year
vincent has been here for over a year














my mom would be very proud that i have decided
to cohabit and not kill this
...this itsy bitsy spider

anyhoo

everytime i open the window
vincent gets out of my way
so it never crosses my mind to ...you know ...protect myself
and more importantly
in our year together - vincent is still a manageable size

so there you have it

im okay with "a" spider "and" dust
albeit im just as wacky as howard hughes

bern shares
bv)

this week saw a sad day

i forewent (new word) my shorts for my jeans
may 3 to oct 16 (besides work)
my legs went unencumbered for 5 months 13 days
thats a good run my jackie

i coulda gone longer
as the temp is comfortably in the 50's
[thats F as in old "fogy" that still cant get a handle on "C"elsius]
but ive been sick and had to take a couple days off work
we had a waiter meeting on wednesday
and i figured my gm might think i was playing hookey
if i strolled in only wearing shorts
add to that fact that every year i get
a little more sensible ...gulp

not to worry ...itll be another 75 years before
im deemed mah mah dang-it mah...ture

once again the basis of my chagrin:



(wince) bummer

bern shares
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"...and thats all i have to say about that"

just having said it
im all game to watch it
ive ordered some chinese (food - ya pervs)
...and now its go time
"lieutenant dan, magic legs"

one less thing

bern share
bv)

heres a few random (qu'el suprise) thots

last night i was sitting at my bar
the couple beside me order a couple shots
and one for the bartender (proprietor)
P says lets get one for the cook as well
then turns to me and asks if id like one too

absolutely
i hate to see 5 people drinking alone

my mom (god bless her soul) keeps a clean house
the thing is ...that instead of getting my moms
clean ass gene i got my dads
big ass fucking slow metabolism gene
if i even glance at a piece of cheesecake
my cheeks puff up [top and bottom]
ive learned to live with the fact that
im never gonna be richard simmons
[thank the lord]
[its not the gay thing - its his friggin shorts - ooh]

my house is dusty and my ass is hefty

and lastly

about dust
as much as i dont like removing it
i like having it around
dust kinda makes me feel planted
like ive settled
ive knocked down some timber
made mice elf an abode
and can now rest with contentment

did anybody buy that?
...no
...ok
...as i figured
im a lazy ass mofo and id rather
put up with than remove it

...and thats all i have to say about that

bern shares
bv)

yan & don hu

are my new superintendents
bless their hearts
im sure its not an easy job

[having said all that perfunctory shit]

im kinda pissed that all the time
i put into greasing the wheels including
my regift last christmas
has been all for naught

im a good guy, but nonetheless
a jaded SOB
now i gotta start from scratch - som' bitch

i will look forward to meeting the new soops:

for yan:

"hi im bern"
"hi im yan hu"
"how would i know?"
"how would you know what?"
"who you are?"
"i just told you"
"oh jeez, are you on first or in outfield?"
"im the super"
"hows your arm?"



















for don:

"hi im bern"
"hi im don hu"
[i aint going thru that again
but before i can say anything i start humming
tiny bubbles]



















tiny bubbles
in the tea
make me feel happy
im a lessee

bern shares
bv)

ps - im not slaggin any races or ethnicicititicicies
[basically anyone other than me in this world]
pps- we are the world
we are children
we are the ones who make a brighter day
so lets start giving

















(wince)(shrug)(smirk) bv :)

oh, and another thing

this is my second thanksgiving by mice elf
[its a family thing (my dads a doughhead)]

in order to reduce my angst
(i miss my sibs & their kids - i'm a great uncle)
i cook myself a turkey
...a labour of love, actually

things bern can do now that he's older:

after spending hours apon hours
on this damned thing

i eat some skin and stuffing
then stuff the whole damn bird in the fridge
to deal with tomorrow
[oh my god thats so dangerous...
...if im lucky "ill" catch a food-born
illness and get another day off :) ]

bern shares
bv)

for the n'th time i just watched
some part of
"field of dreams"











i dont own it
cuz its just not same as "catching" it on tv
[ww t - even tho yer not 1 of my 7 readers]

peeps generally poo poo kevin's movies
to them i say "phoque yew"







he's my guilty pleasure

if you dont shed a tear when
annie turns on the lights so ray and his dead dad
can play catch
after show stopping spiels by j.d. salinger,
shoeless joe jackson and archie moonlight graham












then you aint having any beers with bern
and while im at it
im giving snaps (cuz im so black) to:

dances with foxes
silver, eh dude
the uncuddlables
no way out of touching sean young's boobs
whitney's bootyguard
wyatt burp
and tin cup

anyone who disses kevin is jealous
and thats all i have to say about that


















bern shares
bv


ps you must be wondering where i get all these
wonderful pictures

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

oh yeah

so me and my buddy jiff went camping
macgregor point (mah-grrrreggerr pint ww lsm) provincial park
on lake huron just outside port elgin
this year its only the boys
as i prefer no kids














and our less than avid camper friends kb & mp decline
[cool... cuz with no chicks around we can cut loose
and be wild and crazy guys]


















i wanted to bring my "cant-stand-up-in-3-man-tent"
but decided not to as jiff is all amped up about
his "2-room-big-as-a-house-tent"
just as well as the antichamber i was relegated
to was bigger than my tent and i could stand erect
[putting on underware when you are stooped over
and slightly tipsy is practically impossible]
our campsite has electricity because we are
serious campers (we dont laugh or chuckle)













with camp set up
we go into town and do our "shopping"

shopping: verb, two part process, buy food for dinner
than find local campy watering hole for a few pints

unfortunately
todays local smacks of the "oatley tap" from
stephen kings "the talisman"

















too many flies (eeeyooo), disturbing stereotypes
and shitty fried food
leave us feeling glum and crestfallen
so ...with steaks and spuds in tow we head back to camp
to make dinner
however by the time we get enough coals in the pit
we are disenchanted with the idea of late evening steaks
and settle in to our camp-chairs with our camp-cocktails
wanting to make a day of it tomorrow
we retire to the tentrominium











little did we know we were in for a tumultuous night
"the sky was angry that night my friends, like an old man
trying return flat beer in a local haunt"
a couple times i woke wondering if we had landed in kansas















kudos to jiff for depend-a-tent
...and
kudos to bern for coleman stove and cast-iron pan
bacon and eggs baby thats what im talking about
camp b + e ranks in my top 6 fav meals
and lemme tell you i friggin nail it
bacon crispy but not so much that it snaps
eggs sunny side up but no runny white
rounded out with toasted english muffins
(to make peanut butter and bacon sandwiches, duh)
and overly strong and too sweet instant coffee
giddy-fuckin-up (flap) jack!!
over our morning repast we discuss our trip to kansas
and fact that we could hear the the unrelenting sound
of the cars on highway 21













[or so we thought]

after a camp-sit and a couple trips to the loo
[caffine jolts and gravity - go figure)
we head off the lake for a bracing dip
my swimming trunks are fairly dated
and little high off the knee
but seeing as my six pack is more a "party pack"
i dont really give a shit (pun intended)
breaking thru the woods we see the beach













which is being bombarded by a barrage of relentless waves
[DOH - it wasnt any highway - it was gods work - cool]
funny that we both mention our recollection of our first
night in tentzilla feels better now that we know the noise
that was the backdrop to our camp-sleep is lapping waves]

after our swim (wade-in with 2 dunks)
we go for a really cool nature walk
burping and farting as much as we can
so people dont think we are that "gay couple from site 34"
getting back to 34 (home of tentropolis) we have a
camp-sit before going into town to "shop"
on our way we drive the scenic route along lake huron
whoa - God did some good work here on the bruce penninsula
its breathtakingly spectacular
kinda like being by the ocean but on a smaller scale
















my buddy jeff took this picture
before he got famous (ww mr man)

passing on the oatley tap we pick a haunt that
caters to kids so the staff is more aesthetically pleasing
and as its late afternoon we have the place to ourselves
coronas, jagermeisters and a pool table
giddy-up
jiff and i dont get to play much anymore
so this fits right into our good-day
[we have this thing with pool - we play for 5 bucks a game
but dont pay off till 40 bucks
in 10 years we've never had to come across with the dough
mostly because we can never agree on who's winning
...sokay cuz the posturing is half the fun]
we leave our bar before we get too "comfortable"

a>









HOLY SHIT
i just lost half my post
[computers!!]

whatever man

anyhoo, you pick the venue
shooting pool
world class sunset
bbq with a.m. 70's tunes
camp-cocktails
sleep in tent-away-from-home
sitting side by each in car

i enjoy sharing shit with my bud















bern shares
bv)