my first automotized-abacus
was purchased a scant 7 years ago
now they call them computers
c3pu's
...a mother bored in a tower

dont ask me, man!
i just pressed her buttons
[...and now im divorced...(shrug)]
compared to most "surfers"
my web is small

i'm not riding the
technology-forward cutting-edge wave
my mother [god bless her heart]
is a typewriter beside my word processor
we had an email tutorial today at her local library
man oh man, cool
well, first of all any time spent with mom
is a blessing
secondly, now its my turn to teach

mom showed me the ropes
by undaunted and dedicated example
[yes ladies and germs this here is a man that
will "seek out the rarest orchid" for his mom]
unflappable
objective
compassionate
faithful
and good humoured

mom has been avoiding techo-savy
since the advent of the push button phone
jeez louise, she only just nixed her "party-line"
and thats not a cash-cow porno 900 number

whoa - focus buddy - anyhoo

pertinent info

for the last 2 years i have been passing
on family-gathers
i'm avoiding my [expletive fucking deleted =)] father
LONG STORY - SAME OLD SHIT
me bros and me still beers 'n wings
and my sis lives fah-fah-away [ =( ] so thats mute
but my mother, my mom
thats the craw in my throat...the rub
sure we lunch regularily
but we dont share free association
and thats by my own decision [gulp, long sigh]

this is what im trying to say:
enuring me mom to email is far from altruistic
its actually self serving
i miss my mom
and need an alternate form of communication


anyhoo

so, there we are at the local lib"ary" (ww woody)
doing email on a computer!!!!
i gladly guide my email emancipated mom
thru the arduous first steps
of her techno-trip to be in contact with her progeny
(actually my little sister tutored the first step
and im the clean-up hitter
...its my job to really tack it down)

this boy does go on

now that i'm practically old as my mom
i look forward to sharing thoughts with her

as much as i realize there is natural progression
in life - i hope i havent pissed away too much time
now that i have a growed up kid of my own
i all too much feel my mothers angst
at 10 - i'm too busy running around
as a teen - i'm too preoccupied with my pubic hair
in my 20's - wife and kids
in my 30's - divorced and fucked up
in my 40's - life begins to make sense
approaching my 50's - i'm realizing i've missed out
spending time with the coolest person i've ever met
---my mother---

be our moments together few or many
one's thing for sure
i'm dialed in, baby
i aint missing a single nuance
my mom knows ive always been her wing man
now that im more of her age
i believe she now leans on me
and that
asserts my belief that i am a good man

my most important aspiration
...to be a good man

boiled down
my mother deserves a medal
im looking forward to her emailed thots
i babble
lord knows i babble
my mother is "my" hero

bern shares
bv)

ps
i recently had a date with a lady
and just made freezer food for the first time in 1.5 years
huh ...i'm just saying

why do people shit on bowling?

bowling is fun, licensed and...


















a great place to pick up chicks
...i mean spares

bern shares
bv)

CORRECTION

earlier this week a "new"comer
to the local gym was reported to be
fred flintstone
however after 4 days running the regulars
have recanted their earlier statement
and once again corroborated
that the mystery person is none other than

jack lalanne



mr lalanne is famous for among other things
"jack lalanne's power juicer"
as much as the proprietors of this humble
jewish community and fitness centre
welcome his acclaim;

the lady patrons' normal unflappability
is in flummox
mr lalanne's heavy accent
and french forward approach

"do you join me making some little juice?":



has left the women's schwitz over-occupied
and chocolate power bars in short supply

two kafuffles in one week
has the members muttering
"i sure wish bern was here"

bern shares
bv)

NEWS FLASH

cartoon character spotted earlier today at local gym
eye witness accounts have him
as being any one of:
porky pig
fog horn leghorn
homer simpson
















although eye witnesses can not agree
on who they saw
they all corroborate that he
sweats profusely and swears like a trucker

THIS JUST IN

its fred flintstone
its definitely fred flintstone
the proprietors of this
neighbourhood athletic facility have asked us
NOT to devulge their location
for fear of an unmanagable and unruly mob
of chicks and cougars



showing up at the gym's doorstep


EDITORS NOTE
sure, mr flintstone is no
cary granite or stony curtis



...but who is?!
he's still "the biggest" celebrity in my books




IN ANOTHER STORY

mr flintstone's chesterfield is suing the gym
for punitive damages
stemming from separation anxiety

bern shares
bv)

my time of self-exile is coming to a painful end
i dont know that im quite healed
but the future holds more intrigue
then my walls hold familiarity
...and its time for bern to unrut
once again my pride wins out over my fears
good for bern
he lives to love another day

i see myself as a rock
rocks are stuck-put
inertia is a rocks weightiest asset
and deepest downfall

climbing out of the abyss
i see the sun is bright and warm
the air is fresh and smacks of not just me

lyrics
by lady midler

some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
some say love it is a razer
that leaves your soul to bleed

some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
i [me][bern][ash's dad][paula's son]
say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed

it's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
it's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance
it's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live

when the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows

lies the seed that with the sun's love in the spring becomes the rose

bern shares
bv

ps anon: good call - spot on

i just defrosted my freezer

no it doesnt defrost on its own
its old like my frigidaire stove
that doesnt self-clean either
(do we have that technology yet?)

i hate cleaning the oven
as easy-off as it is
usually the only time i clean my oven is when i move
however, this last move was an exception
because "M. Simms" left "me" a shit hole of a mess
[im not a tell-tale so i'll just say
his first name rhymnes with dick-wad
i mean turd-face, i mean michael]
...the least of which was the oven
i cleaned everything except the oven
did i mention im easy-off put by oven cleaning
consequently - after a year and some
it is screaming for some attention

hellloooo...
im filthy dirty - im in need of a good scrub

ummm ...ahhh
sorry, what was i talking about?

oh yeah
its cool i have "buy easy-off" on my list
and i fully intend to
clean my oven regardless of the fact that
im not moving ...[is anybody looking after bern??!!!]
(ww jiff & kb - the buds that "moved" me :)
[[sometimes - i kill mice elf]]

anyhoo

defrosting a freezer is like mowing a lawn
its there
now its gone
instant gratification

kinda like vacuuming (double u?)
which i rarely do as well
same for dusting
my "vacuuming" is done with a rake (biannually)
as for "dusting" i carefully grab the corner
of the dust and make a roll-up then chuck it
onto the pile of raked-up apartment-floor build-up
then i open up my windows
and toss a lit match on to the pyre
[of free-spirited pistachios, runaway shreddies,
nomadic mnm's and navel lint ...i reckon ]

speaking of windows - dont even get me started
actually you cant get me started ...on windows
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
unless of course


...a chick ...MIGHT drop in


then its
whoop whoop whoop
memah memah memah
dive dive dive
bogies in sight
i repeat - bogies in sight
im not leaving my wing man
im not leaving my wing man
swab the poop deck
batten down the hatches
happy days are here again
the skies above are clear again
so lets sing a song of cheer again
happy days are here again

a chick might drop in?!!
giddy-up and bobs yer uncle
heck - id even don my mask 'n snorkel
and dive into the bathroom

i can feel my moms eyes rolling
..."ach, bernert"
my mother (Gbhms) has long stopped tidying
my place when she comes to visit
although she still prunes and preens my plants
[thay that thwee times]
which is cool
cuz i trellis a budding 1st degree green thumb

as much as i love me mom
i want to end with the
"a chick might drop in" thot

because
a mans gotta dream
and the sun will come up tomorrow
unless of course
my bedroom drapes have yet to be drawn
(wink wink shove shove ...oh hi ...good morning)

and so ..boiled down - heres MY segue:
defrosting my freezer - freeing my defroster

"because a man's gotta feel like a man
and theres something about an aqua velva man"

bern shares
bv)

...it is still friggin snowing ??!!??

holy man - is it not bad enough that
i have to endure "seasonal affective disorder"
now i have traipse through unshovelled sidewalks
under a overcast foreboding sky
for months on end
this is freakin crap, jack
(may i call you jack)

SERENITY NOW

need green
need sunshine
i am a girl-watcher for crying out loud

i am seriously considering
my first winter "by mice elf" vacation
perhaps where bikinis dot the landscape













and not furry parkas
[not that there is anything wrong with that]

bern shares
bv)