i'm having one of my bereft (woe is me)
single guy moments

i'm watching FIDDLER ON THE ROOF
...and loving it!























unfortunately, as i elbow the couch cushion
and sing "tradition, tradition ...tradition"
i get nothing back
except for the echo of my own thoughts
oh well
could be worse
the "echo" could be "sorry honey, what was that?"

im just saying
...theres got to be a woman out there
that will listen to show tunes while she does the dishes

bern jokes ...and

bern shares
bv)

being the thinker that i yam






















i usually rethink things i say to peeps
just to make sure im being fair and forthright

the other day in reply to someone i say:

"if i am one thing, it is bern
and after that, ash's dad"

that of course, is forthright
but as always, that got mr thinking, thinking:
when i was growing up we didnt put much stock in birthdays
as for christmas, now that me and my kid are growd up
i dont buy gifts, i present love
easter is not about chocolate
thanksgiving is not about turkey
and the lemmings that pay a hundred dollars
for a dozen roses on feb 14th deserve their plight

after its all boiled down
and after all these years, besides christmas,
[with which im still trying to reconnect]
[[and (my) mother's day]]
the "hallmark' day of the year that carries the most import
.....is father's day

this is "the day" that i quietly celebrate
being a good dad is a hard row to hoe
and as much as it is my job to be a good father
i pat my self on the back
while i appreciate the bounty which is tenfold of the toil

last year, my ash and i got tattoos together
and this year im making
escargot stuffed mush caps
for her man's dad (and familia)

i'm a lucky man, to see the chip off my block
grow into a real live feckin cool good person

ttt

bern shares
bv)

advice to the timeworn:

*never pass up a bathroom
*never waste a hard on
*and never trust a fart

jack nicholson quoted this in the "bucket list"


















and my brother-in-law cited this ...to me?!$%#*?!
10 years ago as i'm pushing 40

however, now that im soon to reach 50
(george carlin reference)

i am amending said rules:

*know the location of all bathrooms in your vicinity
*screw waiting for your next hard on
take a pill old man (and blue, DUH)
*farts are our friends


















butt that DEPENDS on the extent to which you trust them

check back in 10 years for my re-amendment

bern shares
bv)

holland '89













bern, paulje en "ons ouders" (our parents) visit nederland
oom (uncle) hans takes us to scheveningen
its a nude-if-ya-wanna beach

















and there just happens to be a topless bodacious chick
in the fore-background






















who's cooler than us? ....NOOOBODYYY

bern shares
bv)

ps: cudos to paul-chays now- wife jen
firstly for taking the photo
and secondly for not pointing our lamenessnous

this is the track-suit my ex gives me
the first christmas after we schplit ('89)























i trust she is guileless in her intent
but deep down
im sure she wants me to spend the rest of my life
being hunted down by the fashion police

bern shares
bv)

i just flasked STAR TREK


















....and loving it!!






















the casting is spot fecking [ww ash] on

james t. (j. hooker) kirk is every man's wanna-be man

















bones is acerbically metaphoric
..."i'm doctor, not a brick layer"


















uhura is ...well .....grrrrrowwwl


















and phasers-on-killer to spock, sulu, chekhov and scotty
"i cant change the laws of physics, captain"



















...in the end

SPOILER ALERT

kirk doesnt get the girl
[or frakked for that matter]
but, he does gets her ...his ship

















ive nary a tried and true data






















and i dont wanna tribble ...i mean quibble on issues



















but i hear tell that some crit-eeks are stuck
on the issue that this star trek is not
true to the blah blah blah

...and to these folks i say:

just flasked startrek
WOW LOVED IT any
trekky geek that doesnt
is tragically trapped in a
time warp continuum

ww ash ...i yam what i yam
and ...what was i saying?


bern shares
bv)

ps ...who doesnt love a W (double U)

5 years ago my work slacks shrink

im sure it is because of a change in detergent
errr, maybe that year was particularily humid
or maybe even someone switched em as a prank
thats it!
some bastard picked my lock and switched my pants

anyhoo

just in case it gets even more humid
i go out and buy me a pair of
"expandible waistline" dress slacks for men
...just in case

1 year ago the expandible integrity
lost its retractability
leaving me with pants that hear the floor's siren call

to combat this i begin tying my apron
tight enough around said waistline
to fend off this gravitational invitation

[oblivious to the obvious solution]

1 month ago it occurs to me to wear a belt [duh]
unfortunately, the only belt i own
has succumbed to same fate as my waiter work-slacks
...humidity
....ohhh, i hate humidity
so i put up with a crimped-up waistline
thinking that not having to constantly pull up
my pants and apron is better

1 week ago the penny drops
and it occurs to me to put a another notch in my belt
for temporary use ...until this damn humidity lets up

1 day ago i say to mice elf, bern i say
you ...are 1 smart guy

i may not be the quickest whip
but at least my crack is muffled



















bern shares
bv)

this is my ash and her friend of 20 years






















seeing this image gets me thinking
...of my life and the friends with whom ive shared time
over the years ive chummed with many guys
all who remain important to me but are no longer part of my life
...shit happens and life goes on
two in particular are:

skee van dee in grade school
we created codes in our headquarters
and stuffed envelopes for extra dough

android, who saw me ebb and flow between
grade 11 nerd and crestfallen divorced guy
we played ping-pong
listened to nazareth and barry manilow
worked for happy cooker catering
got drunk at his parents cottage
he was with me the day my ash was born
and there when i dropped my wedding ring
down the ice-fishing hole
[we might have been drunk then too]




















all growed-up bern's good friend is jiff
we met in '97, grinding it out as managers at the same
soul-sucking life-controlling black-hole of a restaurant
run by an egomaniacal self loathing sycophant
[[whoa, i guess i really needed to say that out loud]]
dont get me wrong
besides the hellish hours and shitty compensation
we were living la vida loca

anyhoo

jiff and bern;
two schmoes trying figure shit out
we camp and shoot stick
exchange food thots and (used to) run 10k's
commiserate, congratulate
and after too many pints belt out
barry manilow's "looks like we made it"


















i dont use the term "friend" loosely
hermit boy has never been one to collect friends
[when i was a kid one of my many collections was stamps
...now, other than dvd's, i only collect dust and anecdotes]
as such, im not fond of the superlative "best" for friend
and dont even get me started on BFF

i am though, as it pertains to my sibs,
quite fond of "big", "little" and "baby":

this is my big brother frank


















this is my little (?) brother paulje
















this is my baby sister michelle


















and ...this is me and frank in '67
in costumes mom hand-to-mouth made for us
this is an hommage to mom and my big brother
with a subtle tangental segue reference to errol flynn























cuz ...this is me just thinking out loud here:
how come when a girl has a girlfriend its bff
and when a boy has a boyfriend and its gay ...huh
i'm not saying i wanna call me buds boyfriends
...i'm just saying

life sure is queer ...i mean, puzzling


bern shares
bv)

i was gonna flask a movie tonight






















and beforehand meet up with mp at my local
i have a couple tins and we chat, nicely

after which, en route to the cinema i change my mind
[it is a man's perogative, afterall]
alas i hear my couch's siren call
so i pick up a fro-sing pizza
to go with the with wings i've squirreled away in the fro-ser
and head for hh-otr (home home - on the range)

whilst during [plus also ...ww to my peeps]
my return to {donn-donn-donn donnn) chez-bern
unbeknownst to me, my flask unscrews itself ...[i know]
and souses my leg with rye

its while i'm inexplicably walking in circles
when it occurs to me that it could not possibly
be raining on just my right leg















oh, to be me

[[same shit, different day, same family ...ww my ash]]

















bern shares
bv)