okay

puns and parables are now under the quote umbrella

so that got me thinking

perhaps that too is too myopic
so heres the rererevamped category #3

the spoken word
now thats ...got umph

and here is your revised category recap

#1 jobs bern would love

i would love to an actor (no shit)

my sister has been dogging my ass for years

for me to just frickin do it already

me - i reckon - im gonna get discovered like bruce willis

except i'll be a little older and a little more huskier

heck i would certainly do the bald thing

and lord knows i would do demi in a heartbeat

#2 things older bern can do

flirt with young chicks with impunity
now the definition of impunity
of late has been a hotbed of discussion
some maintain it means exempt from punishment
"others" maintain it means
young chicks dig me and want my phone number
who's to say ...?
its semantics really















#3 the spoken word

...at wit's end

now thats a cool phrase

and apropos of nothing
my bologna has a first name its o-s-c-a-r
my bologna has a second name its m-e-y-e-r
...blah blah blah
cuz oscar meyer has a way with b-o-l-o-n-g-a

(w'uh)

bern shares
bv)

quotes bern thinks are cool and/or apt

my s-in-l dodo is the queen of forward-ding
[i love it - keep em coming]
this week i received a couple that tickled me
ones a pun
the others a parable
heretofore covered by the quote umbrella (end quote)

the pun:

i wondered why the baseball was getting bigger
...then it hit me

LMAO and loving it!

honorable mentions to:
the short fortuneteller who escaped from prison
...was a small medium at large
when the smog lifts in los angeles, UCLA
time flies like an arrow - fruit flies like a banana

the parable:

a man wanted to know what heaven and hell are like
the Lord showed the man two doors
behind the first was a large round table
in the middle of the table was a large pot of stew which
smelled delicious and made the man's mouth water
however the people sitting around the table were thin
and sickly, they appeared to be famished
they were holding spoons with very long handles that were
strapped to their arms
each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a
spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their arms
they could not get the spoons back into their mouths
the man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering
the Lord said "you have seen hell"

they then opened the second door
behind which they found to be quite similar to the first
the large round table with the large pot of aromatic stew
the people seated around the table were also equipped
with the same strapped-on long-handled spoons
but here the people were well nourished and plump
laughing talking and enjoying themselves

the man said "i don't understand"
"it is simple" said the Lord "it requires but one skill"
"they have learned to feed eachother,
while the greedy only think of themselves"

thats a cool message

we are all in this together
lets eat - who's hungry?

bern shares
bv)

i own a pair of vanity glasses
(does that make me a metrosexual?)
neither perscription or uv rated
black plastic frames with yellow lenses

happy glasses


















i wear them on overcast days cuz they put
a sunny hue on all the shit
when i'm feeling lusty eh i wear them at night
with my uber cool samuel l jackson cap
holy chick magnet
the women cant keep their hands off me
easy girls i say
theres more than enough of husky boy to go around















however when it is actually sunny
i need to wear uv rated sunglasses
since i always have i now have to always wear them
otherwise my poor retinas get all pissy

as you know
im a girl watcher
im a girl watcher
watching girls go by
hey my my


















ok
at the intersection of these thoughts is this:
being a girl watcher my dark sunglasses
afford me the opportunity to gaze (stare)
at the ladies
without being obvious or impolite

heres the thing
on overcast days when im wearing my happy glasses
i naturally assume im donning my dark girl watchers
so when i have okaysion to check out a lovely lady
after surveying her legs bum and bosom
and get on to her smile hair and eyes
our eyes meet and i realize im busted

some are flattered
some not so much













bern shares
bv)

an addendum

i was
thinking about getting pissy pontiferous
and bombastic about
the dumb fuck that is pissing me off
but i decided against it

since i cant change what i cant change
perhaps its time for a change
i'm almost old enough to be coach at cheers
and i hear calgary is a cool cowboy place (ww lsm)

i took a mental health day today
so i wouldnt tell knife-boy to go fuck himself
tonight i dine on big steak crab legs and corn on the cob
drizzled with garlic and butter
sloshed down with manhattans and a touch of the grape
staying positive
im thinking of my peach of a kid
the gems that are my friends
and my sis my bros me mom and relateds

sometimes ya gotta take a stand
sometimes ya gotta weather the storm
tonight i relax
tomorrow i'll find my course of action

once again
thats it for now

bern shares
bv)

assholes do vex me !!

robin williams coined that phrase
my current vexation
is higher in rank (station and odor :)
and unfortunately has access to many sharp knives

if there is one thing that really pisses me off
its a bully (an insecure prick with power)
i know i know
what goes around comes around
well here i am arms crossed and foot tapping
waiting patiently for it to come around

thats it for now

bern shares
bv)

i talk to my self
...dont you?

(are you talking to me?)
[shut up let him talk]
(i didnt say anything)
[nice try]
(what?)
[im on to you - youre trying to gaslight me]
(and youre paranoid)












if you two are finished - this is my blog

(sorry)
[sorry]

anyhoo

i was 20 when i first moved out
between then and when i got married at 24
i had several roommates


















[lucky prick]
(you should be so lucky)

prioritizing saving some bucks over of my privacy
however since splitting with the ex
no roommates for bern
now that im older my privacy is of paramount import
if only for the fact that i like to be nude































(ooh gross)
[like you should talk]

which brings me to my point

(finally)
[eventually you have to sleep]

oh sure ive lived with a few girlfriends but no roommates
as a matter of fact
in the last 18 years since splitsville
my cohabitation tally is only 2 1/2 years
1/2 ok 1/2 what was i thinking 1 1/2 bummer thats done

(wah wah baby suck)
[yer just jealous]

since i got unmarried ive spent most of my time
living by mice elf
so who am i suppose to talk to
especially when i want a second opinion

(he never asks me)
[we always talk about stuff]

as a waiter when i get back to the kitchen
im constantly being asked "who are you talking to?"













and...if the FBI had my apartment bugged
they would surely think i live with a dumb blonde


















(holy shit our pad is bugged)
[he said if - where's the harpy - i'll rip her silicon out]
(did you take your meds?)

so like i said
i talk to myself
and i make no bones about it
hey did i mention
my brand new air conditioner air conditioner
has a freakin remote - giddy up
and that makes 6 - how cool am i?!

[why dont we get a universal remote for everything]
(why dont you go back to the library
and leave the guy stuff to us)
[what do you mean by that]
(nevermind)
[what do you mean nevermind]
(its not a biggie)
[why are you doing this - youre making me crazy]
((my plan is finally working wah awh awh))

hellllooo - my blog

[sorry - he's always pushing my buttons]
(shut up - let him talk smirk)

shut up - let me talk

[sorry blush]
(sorry eye roll)

bern shares

(oh and like we don't)
[wah wah baby suck - ha ha i win]
(fuck off)
[oh - sorry)

bv)

i just splurged and bot an air conditioner
(its not an air conditioner,
its an air conditioner air conditioner)
a really cool floor model

now bern can be chillin when its boilin
and if i want
i can roll it up beside the tv
to blow cold air in my face when i get all
heated up watching 'designing women' repeats



















bern shares
bv)

ok i figured it out

its ...ah my-tie
and judging by the knot
it ah double

holy shit
thats a scarf not a tie
and lapels?...
theres enough there to feed 3 moth families
i dont recall
but i sure as hell hope there isnt
leather patches on my elbows

oh and by the way - its my grad pic from '78

if memory serves it was round about
the time i was wearing "earth shoes"












my back thanked me for ditching the "platforms"













bern shares
bv)

for the last 15 years or so ive been compiling
a musical anthology of my life

each song defines a moment
the lyric within describes my feelings

the idea being:
i listen to my own mr hollands opus (im dutch)















sentimentally i am swooned
from kindergarden unto this very moment

so i was doing some "lets get the dates straight"
and dug up some pics

well what did i find
a young gent with a unibrow























yup thats me

i dont recall posing for these pics
im thinking it was for my parents 25th
(please - dodo or ls-mich help me out here)

as well
and not actually germane to my point
except that "my kid is the coolest"
i found a really cool pic of my ash on facebook
(ash - if poss id love hard copy)



















NOW THAT....IS A PEACH --- JACK

i got one kick at the can
i frickin nailed it
im a lucky man
i thank God every day

bern shares
bv)

good lord

it was humid today








and thats all i have to say about that

bern shares
bv)

here's a cool thing

a nice elderly woman having dinner with her son
over paid me by 50 bucks cash
on a nbw deuce of $135
she put in the billfold 4 fifties and a tooney - $202
obvious to me she meant to leave
3 fifties and a tooney - $152

ya don't rip off nice old ladies

i brought the billfold back to her
and carefully suggested she might have made a mistake
when i re-retrieved the billfold i was left with
3 fifties and tooney - a $17 tip - not even 15%
...but i did the right thing
[kharma wise and morally]

so what do you friggin know? - here's the cool part

not half an hour later
my table of 9,
despite my clear indication that their bill includes
a 15% autograt
goes and gives me a cool 20% tip over and above
[us waiters call that "extra love"]

the person who asked for and got presented the bill
did not mention the autograt to the the person who
was paying
(us waiters see shit - jsyk)
once again i felt i should do the the right thing
and quietly point out to paying-man that i had already
put on a $140 grat

"ahhh - keep it - thats fine"

bless his heart

thats a slam dunk in my world
i did the right thing
and made 200 extra bones

bern shares
bv)